Welcome to “Strike Out,” with me, your host, the all-knowing Chris Strikling. I will now share with you all my unfailingly accurate predictions for the 2020 Presidential election.
Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren, Pete Buttigieg. Maybe even Julián Castro? There are a lot of Democrats vying for the Party’s nomination next year. But, since I’m a professional, I can already tell you that the Democratic nominee will be the candidate who wins the primary.
This Presidential election will be a referendum on the Trump Administration’s immigration policies. Full stop. But it will also be about health care, gun control, abortion, the death penalty, prison reform, unemployment, racism, taxes, unions, ISIS, G.M.O.s, NASA, euthanasia, the opioid crisis, the minimum wage, the deficit, and the environment. Full stop.
Now, I want to remind you all that the economy will be crucial to this election cycle. Our nation’s economy has never been stronger, so that’s a huge boost for the incumbent. It’s also crashing and burning faster than that bus with a bomb on it in “Speed.” So the economy is going to be really bad for the incumbent. I’ll make that point again so it really sinks in: the economy.
Look at this 3-D holographic chart that just appeared in front of me! It shows both what I just said and also the opposite. Other networks might call that hedging your bets—I call it a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree analysis.
We have to watch the polls, that’s what I always say. Unless there’s a win outside the margin of error, in which case, you can never trust those polls again. Believe me, I have a master’s in public policy, binge-watch C-SPAN; and am close friends with someone who kind of looks like Nancy Reagan.
Let’s talk demographics. Young people will decide this election. But we can’t discount the older folks. We’ve gotta keep rural white voters in mind, and we can’t forget about Hispanic voters. Nor can we discount Independent voters. Or Democrats. Or Republicans, for that matter. Or kindergarten classes holding mock elections. Those are the groups to watch out for.
I believe that turnout will determine this next election. We must keep talking about turnout, because the number of people who vote changes how many votes there are. In my expert opinion, how many people vote for each candidate will decide how many votes there are for that candidate.
Therefore, I predict that the more voters there are this election, the more votes there will be. And the person with the most votes will win! Unless he doesn’t. And you can quote me on that.
Let’s quickly go over to our panel for their thoughts, as expressed in guttural, near-animalistic screams.
Thank you—great points and anguished cries by all.
My final message to my viewers: don’t listen to the other pundits out there. I’m the only one you can trust, even if they predict the exact same things.